


To Be Or To Want

by TobytheWise



Series: SH Bingo S2 [2]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, First Kiss, Idiots in Love, M/M, Oblivious Simon, Realizations, idiots to lovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-29
Updated: 2020-10-29
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:40:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27263626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TobytheWise/pseuds/TobytheWise
Summary: “Sometimes I can’t help but wonder if I want to be Izzy or if I just, ya know, want her.”It’s such a throwaway comment, one that shouldn’t spend any time in Simon’s head. And yet the words play over and over and over like a skipping record. He leans up on his elbows, watching Jace like a hawk as the Shadowhunter activates his speed rune without even pulling out his stele. That’s so cool and if Simon wasn’t already naturally fast from being a vampire he would be jealous. Because, ya know, he wants to be Jace. Right? Right?Oh shit.
Relationships: Simon Lewis/Jace Wayland
Series: SH Bingo S2 [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1989400
Comments: 8
Kudos: 135
Collections: SHBingo 20-21





	To Be Or To Want

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ByTheAngell (SomeLittleInfamy)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SomeLittleInfamy/gifts).



> This is written for SHBingo, Square filled: Stargazing
> 
> Also written for the ever lovely Elle. Thanks for giving me this idea awhile ago <3 I hope you enjoy it and I hope you're having an amazing birthday!!

Simon digs his fingers on either side of his hip, feeling the cool grass against his skin. He stares up at the stars, trying to find a constellation he knows that isn’t the little or big dipper. The sound of Magnus and Alec whispering from Simon’s left fills his ear and to be honest, he really doesn’t wanna overhear whatever just made Magnus giggle like that. Simon turns over onto his right side, looking at Clary but finding her staring at Izzy. 

Clary lets out a dreamy sigh as she watches Izzy chase fireflies with Jace, the two of them activating their runes in order to give them an advantage. For some reason Simon equally finds that hilarious and endearing. “Sometimes I can’t help but wonder if I want to  _ be _ Izzy or if I just, ya know,  _ want her _ .”

It’s such a throwaway comment, one that shouldn’t spend any time in Simon’s head. And yet the words play over and over and over like a skipping record. He leans up on his elbows, watching Jace like a hawk as the Shadowhunter activates his speed rune without even pulling out his stele. That’s so cool and if Simon wasn’t already naturally fast from being a vampire he would be jealous. Because, ya know, he wants to  _ be _ Jace. Right?  _ Right? _

Oh shit. 

The more he sits here in quiet contemplation the more he realizes he is so fucking wrong. How can someone go through life plainly lying to themselves? Sure, it’s true he finds Jace beautiful. But Simon assumed  _ everyone _ thought that, honestly look at the guy with his toned muscles, blonde hair, gorgeous smile. How could anyone  _ not _ find Jace attractive? 

Simon rubs at his eyes for a long moment, his stomach sinking as the realization hits him. This whole time he thought he wanted to be Jace. Wanted to be the guy all the girls swoon after, the guy who moved and fought with ease, the guy that Alec tolerated. But now? Now things are coming into crystal clear focus. This isn’t some hero worship wanna be feelings. Nope, this is a full on, bonafide  _ crush _ . 

Oh shit. 

Simon has a crush on Jace. The fluttering in his belly confirms it. Fuck. Now that it’s in front of his face Simon can’t unsee it. He can’t look away as Jace finally catches the firefly, cupping it in his palms with a proud smile as he shows Izzy. He can’t stop taking in Jace’s face, smiling softly to himself at the sight. 

“Oh,” he breathes, not knowing what else to say or do. If Simon’s heart was still beating it would be thrashing against his ribs right now, trying to break free. He feels like his whole world is crashing down around him. All the times he’s followed Jace around at the Institute, all those late night training sessions, all the times he wanted to see how Shadowhunters patrolled. He was following Jace around like a lost puppy and the entire time Simon thought it was because he wanted to know more about being a Shadowhunter but maybe his subconscious just wanted to know more about  _ Jace _ . 

“Why are you frowning like that?” Clary asks gently, giving him the side eye. 

He looks at his best friend before whispering, “I’m having an existential crisis. I think I have a crush on Jace.”

Clary stares at him a long moment before letting out a long sight. “I’m glad you’re finally telling me this but I already know, Si. It’s not like you two are very sneaky. I know you’ve been dating for awhile now.”

Simon reaches over and grabs Clary’s wrist. “But that’s the problem, Clary, we’re not dating. I only just realized I have feelings  _ right now _ .”

“So you’re not dating?”

Simon shakes his head. “Not that I’m aware of.”

“Oh,” she whispers. “Maybe you should talk to him? Because I think he might think you’re dating.”

“I--wait-- what?”

Before she can answer, Jace is walking over to them, cutting their conversation off. Jace lays down beside Simon and Simon follows the motion, staring back up at the stars, all too aware of where Jace’s arm touches his own. 

Simon is completely and utterly screwed. 

~~~

Which is how he ends up spending the next week locked up in his apartment by himself ignoring Jace’s calls and texts, canceling all of their patrols, and binge watching all his comfort shows. The  _ only _ reason he’s even leaving today is because Clary messaged him and said there was an emergency and she needed his help at the Institute. 

No, he’s not dramatic. Not at all. He’s just attempting to come to terms with these  _ feelings _ . During this week of self isolation, he’s realized what a fucking idiot he’s been. Of course he has a crush on Jace with his stupid face and stupid runes and stupid smile. Simon can’t even be properly mad at him without getting those stupid butterflies in his belly, it’s a real problem. 

“Hey, Underhill,” Simon greets, giving the Shadowhunter a small wave as he walks into the Institute. He makes his way down the hallway towards Clary’s room when a door suddenly opens. Simon lets out a yelp of surprise as a hand wraps around the front of his shirt and yanks him inside. 

“What the?”

Simon’s eyes widen as the door closes behind him, Jace standing there with a frown on his face, his arms crossed over his chest. They stand there a long moment, tension rising in the room as they stare at each other. Simon wants to flinch back, wants to hide, but instead he stands his ground, waiting. 

“Dude,” Jace finally breaks, rubbing tiredly at his eyes. “What the hell is going on?”

Simon looks away. “I don’t know what you mean.”

Jace snorts but there’s no humor in the noise. “You used to follow me around like a lost puppy. You canceled on all of our patrols. You’ve been dodging my calls. For real, Simon, what’s going on?”

Simon gives a small shrug, looking down at his feet. 

“Did I do something wrong?” Jace asks, his voice so much smaller than before. That finally makes Simon break. 

“You know what? Fuck it,” he murmurs before walking forward right into Jace’s space. Jace’s back hits the door and Simon pushes against him until they’re chest to chest. And then he does the unthinkable. He kisses Jace. 

Jace doesn’t hesitate, his hands coming up to Simon’s face, holding him steady as their lips move against each other. When Jace’s lips open, Simon doesn’t hold himself back, instead letting his tongue dip into Jace’s mouth, moaning when their tongues touch. 

When they pull back, there’s a small smile on Jace’s lips, his cheeks flushed. He’s  _ beautiful _ . “I like you,” Simon confesses finally. “That’s why I ran away.”

Jace tilts his head, his brows wrinkling. “You ran away because you like me? Simon, that makes no sense. I thought we were dating.”

“I’m sorry, what?”

Jace shrugs. “I thought we were taking things slow!”

“Oh my g-g-g gosh, I really am an idiot.”

Jace kisses his cheek, shaking his head in amusement. “Yeah, you are. But that’s one of the reasons I like you, too.”

And yeah, okay, Simon likes the sound of that. 


End file.
